more and more to do
Sunday, February 22, 2009
11:04PM - damn you daphne
looking for you (daphne gottlieb)
It started that night, that night when you asked, "would you love me if I got my hair cut?'
I said, You're beautiful no matter what.
And you smiled. you always had a beautiful smile.
You went to sleep in my arms and the next day came back with a very fashonalbe-though extreme-haircut.
And you said, "Do you still love me?"
And I said, of course I do.
You looked so beautiful and you smiled your beautiful smile only a little smaller and you asked me "Would you love me if I was bald?"
And I said, of course-- bald is something time does to men and bald is how nature begins babies and we're all bald under our hair and anyway you're beautiful and I love you.
And you smiled your beautiful smile and fell asleep in my arms.
The next night as I licked your beautiful, naked head, you asked, "Would you love me if I had no ears?"
And I said, of course-- ears are only good for hanging earrings on and holding glasses up; unless they're our joke and I made my fingers into bunny ears and you hopped sideways in the bed.
I told you: what's important is on the inside, and your smile turned up like a hook with something caught on the end of it.
Your smile sharpened like a key into a knife.
You smiled in your sleep all night long and it was still a beautiful smile.
Thankfully you still had ears when you came home the next day, but that was the day you began taking parts of you away anyway. You took me seriously about the importance of inside, and you took them away, the insides.
Our jokes went first-- I made my bunny ears and you didn't hop.
Then our memories-- I'd remind you of our jokes and you'd smile your beautiful smile and just say "Oh."
"I don't remember."
Then your habits, your hours, your appearance, your clothing.
Finally, you changed your address, smiling your beautiful smile.
I put my bunny ear fingers behind my head, told you I love you, no matter what. Remember, it's wat's on the inside that counts.
You said, "What insides?" and "I don't remember."
Then you walked out.
Since then everything changed but your smile, I go looking for your smile every night, on other faces, with other names. Whispering what was your name into what I hope is your mouth, I pry my fingers into mouth after mouth, body after body, whispering Are you there?
I find glimpses of you here and there, shards of your smile, and I kiss all of them, love all of them, I collect them up like small broken things, waiting to gather them all together and bring you back. I hold these fragments close to me every night, and I whisper to them.
I remember. And I'll always love you. No matter what.
Friday, January 30, 2009
it has something to do with a bad photocopy.
resembles the original but everything is slightly fuzzy
and the colors are less bright.
or maybe it's the knock-off brand.
some angles too sharp, others too curved
components out of proportion to one another.
or maybe it's 1am and i'm too sick to breathe through my nose
and i should go to sleep. again.
Friday, November 28, 2008
this is primarily for myself but it's too wonderful to not share:
Saturday, October 18, 2008
f-you man vs. wild guy.
why would you kill an alligator if you just ate a raw snake?
chances are your viewing audience will either not need to know how to kill an alligator
or already know how because they actually do go out and totter about in a swamp.
i understand it's just about entertaining but is killing multiple animals really necessary?
and carry your own camera gear.
Friday, July 18, 2008
10:37AM - who we gonna end up being?
it seems so long ago, those empty afternoons,
with nowhere much to go and nothing much to do
but sit up in my room
and watch the world unfold
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
i need to catch my breath before i pass-out
cramming objects through my eyes, down my throat
we all know this
when you see something behind your eyelids
the brain can't tell if it's real or not
fiction or fantasy or reality
we're bored. all bored. so bored
it certainly gives color to the day
just red, black and grayscale
i don't know if that counts
i stay silent out in the world
words tumble out everywhere else
forgive me for that
there is a time and place society is against
but how can it ignore the battle to be the fittest
Thursday, November 29, 2007
smalltalk is the conversation you're supposed to be having;
The Rundown is the conversation you want to be having.
The basic premise from which all others are derived, that smalltalk should be beaten to death with as many questions as the wielder has to hand. For instance, if your conversational partner mentions that his girlfriend just bought him a humidifier for his apartment, the rules of smalltalk dictate you ask about the humidifier - how big the tank is, if it rotates on its own, if it has variable fan settings. But The Rundown suggests you latch onto the most interesting part of the conversation - the girlfriend. An appropriate followup question to this piece of information would therefore be "Are you in love?"
number two: why chew the fat when you can chew the meat?
An extension of rule one, really. The idea is to ask questions whose answers you actually care about. There's no point prolonging a conversation if nothing is learned about the person you're talking to.
number three: If you can think it, you can ask it.
It stands to reason that the questions whose answers you actually care about are probably not the nicest things to ask, particularly to a passing acquaintences. No question is too raunchy , too inappropriate or too off-the-wall in this scheme. If you have to chose between asking about the random niece's birthday present or what they think she's going to be when she grows up, it's more in the spirit of the affair to ask the more far-reaching question. The questions you ask shouldn't be random (barring one particular question: see below) but they shouldn't be totally obvious, either. Use your imagination.
number four: "how many virgins?"
The mother of all trump cards, designed to keep things moving if all other avenues have been closed to you. Who wouldn't like talking about how many virgins they've slept with after all. It's not supposed to be a mean-spirited question, really, more of a jump-start to more interesting conversational avenues. Hopefully, by the time this question has come up you've been following some pretty irregular conversational patterns and this one won't make you seem too completely off your rocker.
There is also the chance that you'll offend someone, of course, but remember: it's smalltalk with a twist, not grand jury testimony - the long-term effects of these conversations shouldn't be too hard to deal with at all.
Friday, November 2, 2007
why why why did halloween JUST past??
granted ira glass was a pretty fantastic costume choice (if nothing else, it was so heartening that one person actually freely recognized me...him rather) but i just discovered a halloween costume godsend.
please please please, if you haven't heard of this lady, look her up on youtube right now.
you will not be disappointed.
Friday, September 21, 2007
8:35AM - my open letter
please be aware of something, i'm on a bike. i have no metal doors, no airbags, just a helmet. my vehicle doesn't vastly increase the amount of power or force i can impart on others. this means that when we meet at an intersection or if i'm on the greenway and have to cross a street i am NOT going to cross until you either stop or pass on by. it's very nice that you sort of slow down and possibly consider stopping but i don't know what you're doing so, risking pissing you off, i won't move. you could just be daydreaming or adjusting your shoes and not even see me. in these situations please just commit to a stop or a non-stop instead of throwing your hands up at stupid me for not realizing how generous you are. (oh and if you clearly stop but the opposite lane has not, deal's off, i'm still not crossing)
understand i don't like stopping. bikers can ride the the "get to work not too late" time crunch train too. also, somthing not often thought of when just pushing your toes down makes you go, losing my momentum isn't as much fun as throwing you a grateful wave and sailing on by. it's good for sculpting some fiiiiiine legs but annoying all the same.
one more thing i'd like to get out there. you may be shocked to hear this mister/misses driver man/lady but cars don't often stop unless they are required to by a law such as red lights and even then they sometimes don't. so if i come to an active intersection, even if it has a huge "stop for pedestrians" sign, i'm going to futz with my bag if i need to. so rarely do both lanes of traffic actually stop that i figure i can kill two birds with one stone. again thank you for showing how giving you are by stopping for me but please forgive me for not expecting this and not looking up when you do it.
i could go on into all of the issues surrounding sharing the road, deciding when to turn and throwing objects out your car windows but i won't. that's another letter.
your friend on a bike anna
ps. i know some of my fellow citizens on bikes can act pretty stupid sometimes. it cannot be assumed that someone on a bike is going to stop at crossings and it could be financially costly for you to assume so.
BUT if you see the girl in a bright blue helmet, riding a teal bike w/ soon to be orange handlebar tape, know that she's going to cover her own ass even if it causes you to be confused and frustrated that you can't be pedaling your way to work while the warm september air breezes over your face and through your leg hair.
Monday, September 17, 2007
2:12PM - tacos!
Mmmmm nothing better than a lunch of fake meat with black beans and enough spice to make my face feel as hot and flushed as it does when i'm actually in the company of the fine little lady who made it
Thursday, July 19, 2007
8:33AM - very exciting news
this morning the refrigerator's ice machine gave me THREE ICE CUBES. i'm lucky to get three in an 8-hour shift and this was just my first trip of the morning. yes, this "big girl job" is making me appreciate the little things, who knew anyone could get so excited about ice.
it's going to be a good day.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
one small part of my life has come full circle. two years ago i participated in a study looking at frontal cortex development through the adolescent years and then comparing that to development of heavy drug/alcohol users. they questioned me, tested me and MRIed me.
i went back today to start the follow-up process. they re-questioned and re-tested (the MRI comes later). as a part of the process i had to define 42 words on a vocabulary list. the list was identical two years ago. i remember because the last word on the list was 'panacea' and was the only one i didn't know. after the testing two years ago i went home and immediately found the definition so that i would never be unable to define it again. today i came to number 42 on the list and proudly said "cure-all".
Friday, October 13, 2006
We only get the superheros
we can imagine, never
the ones we need.
We don't need more
superheros, just better ones,
say the idealists.
Third-world Marxists say,
If we build a superhero, she will be nothing
like Wonder Woman.
There is so much wrong
with Wonder Woman:
She is white when
most of the world isn't. She has a jet
which is a gas-guzzler, usurping resources
that might better serve the people.
You're wrong, say the feminists.
You're missing what is really wrong
with Wonder Woman, how her body
type is unsustainable
for most women and it is unhealthy
how she is put on display
in a see-thru jet, the Fredrick's of Hollywood
of air travel, a 360-degree glass ceiling
that moves as fast as she does
and another thing-no one makes
in four-inch heels, and-
Fighting crime is still fighting, say the pacifists. No fighting.
You are short-sighted, say the militants.
You are missing the point, say the post-colonialists.
Oh yeah? say the Promise Keepers.
A woman's place is-
Who let YOU in? ask the lesbian separatists.
It comes to blows quickly, over a question
of who is the most wrong
and everyone has forgoten altogether
about Wonder Woman
who has slipped out
through the back
of the discussion,
as her jet.
How to save the world this time?
She tosses her bullet-deflecting bracelets
and her golden lasso
into the trash
and leaves her superheadband
perched on top, shining dully.
She is too tired.
Let them damn well fight
their own damned crime.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
6:45PM - i miss camp
"Summer camp isn't really for the campers. Bless their hearts, they're mostly just hoping to get back home with no broken bones or major emotional traumas. No, camp is for the counselors, who, after all, are there by choice, get paid, frequently snog the other counselors, and basically ride a serotonin high all summer long."
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
the theme today is:
caller- i was transferred to Dr.(insert name)'s office and I got their voice mail. how can i contact them?
me- if you leave a message and they'll get back to you.
caller- i already did that but they haven't called me back.
me- i'm sorry but all i can do is give you their voice mail.
caller- i just really need (insert long explanation about why they NEED to be seen/send something/talked to and they need it by next week)
me- i could take a message for you and give it to them. would that work?
caller- no, i'll just (try back/leave them another message/give up)
me(in an obscenely cheery voice)- sounds good! have a great day!
Friday, July 21, 2006
it seems my mother is right. i'm always injured. currently it's
(aka handlebar palsy). welcome to the world of dropped handlebars!
parts of my hands were numb for a few days and now they just don't work very well. it's getting quite old.
cilatro has now officially made my top five favorite food list. AND grilled pineapple.
i love whole foods.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!WILL THIS NEVER FUCKING END?!?!!??!!!!!
one would THINK that you would TELL your tenant that the rent was going up next year WHEN THEY CALLED TO ASK WHAT YOU MEANT BY A 13MONTH LEASE. maybe then your tenant could quote the FUCKING correct price instead of doing the work of finding a new tenant FOR YOU and then HAVING TO CALL THEM BACK TWO HOURS AFTER THE NEW PERSON ACCEPTED TO TELL THEM THE FUCKING RENT WAS BEING RAISED BY $35/MONTH.
maybe she'll be find with it and it won't even be a problem.
then i can move on to desperately clawing at him to get my fucking deposit back.
he just keeps pulling these little changes on me and it's getting really old. i'm so excited to hear the "excuses" for not giving me my full deposit back.
and i'm even more excited to finally be done with all this bullshit.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
answering phones constantly reminds me how stupid people are. seems to be a theme lately.
one guy in particular stuck out to me today. he called my clinic asking for information about creating his own graduate major in human sexuality. i told him we sometimes have interns or job shadows but no courses and he should look on the u's website to find an academic adviser in the psychology grad school. he then proceeds to tell me that he didn't go to the U but just got his undergrad and didn't anticipate attending grad school but (this is my favorite) "now that fall is approaching it seems like a viable option that he would like to pursue". while wondering why this guy thinks he can be asking after information about a grad school in mid-july and be entering that program in september i look up a number he can try and tell him to have a good day.
and the FUCKING people answering their goddamned cell phones as i'm answering their question. many stabbing motions.
i wonder if i'm getting my period soon. i'm feeling very ornery, chocolate sounds great and i have NEEDS. real bad.
plus i wanna do something FUN this weekend. don't know what, just something. don't think that has to do with my period. prolly.
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
Thursday, June 1, 2006
a subtle smell,
a repeating lyric
before an instant trip back
i can remember your shirt
a hard look in your eyes, new to me
jump and my face narrows
focused subtly on your limits
this unbreakable structure around you
or is it mine
think of her and i see it
after it twists through my eyes
observation has never been so intrusive
she looms large from unimportance
holding your toes she is tiny
in every action holds her power, you
apparently being a pawn is hard work
body primed but gaze avoidant
a frivolous thing speaking a real hurt
this wall in my face
unforgiven mistakes held strong by years of unacknowledged change
is this a figment?
is it produced by my twisted mind, avoidant soul?
turn my pride into a catalyst for accepted rejection
getting through, didn't you know?
through is the best part
reach out a hand and touch her
she'll look and smile
how will you trap it this time
which word, a new leash
manipulate your rusty smile
turning the barb
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